I wore the perfect shirt for today, in many ways.
For most people the new year is still a few months off. We have to go through Thanksgiving and Yule (Christmas) and a huge celebration in Times Square before we feel like a new year has begun. And for secular purposes I can see why–that’s also when we start writing a new number when we write the date. Though I’ve been Pagan for over half of my life at this point, Samhain hasn’t ever really felt like a new year is starting. That’s what “the lore” says happens though. The old year dies and the new is born. I think because all of the new year celebrations were still weeks off and I couldn’t write a new year on paper (officially) it kind of killed the feeling for me.
This year is a little bit different though. I don’t know that it necessarily feels like a new year, but it does feel like I’m walking into a new chapter. Or perhaps I’m starting a new book of my life. I don’t know. All I know is that this feels like a beginning, the planting of the seed that will soon grow and blossom into a beautiful flower.
I’ve been highly contemplative the past week or so. Angelo went away to AUSA for the weekend and it left me alone with some thoughts that I needed to sort out. And I did. I came to some much needed conclusions and had one thing reaffirmed for me many times over: I want a life built on creativity where I am my own boss.
Ok, so how does that change things? Well, in some ways it doesn’t. For now, I still have to have a dayjob as my wanting to just be creative 100% of the time does not mean my bills just go away. No, they stay (unfortunately). But it does mean that I have to give the creative things that I do more precendence in my life. I have to put more emphasis on them and not “back burner” them. This includes writing, photography, and No Nostalgia Filter. I also want to keep having my own business. Being a dogwalker and petsitter isn’t really creative, but it does feed a part of my soul that simply creating things doesn’t. I’ve always felt a kinship to animals and being able to work around them for the past 2 1/2 years has been such a glorious, brilliant thing. It’s accomplished one of my life long goals (which was to work with animals!). And as far as dayjobs go, working at a vet isn’t a bad thing. It allows me the opportunity to learn new things everyday as the doctors don’t ever mind if I pick their brains about things or ask a million questions.
However having identified this and knowing to my core that it’s what I want, it does mean I have to rethink my schedule and the things that I allot time for. There is so much I want to accomplish and so much I want to write (both fiction and nonfiction) that if I don’t get started I’ll never get them all written. Everyday new ideas come to me. And no, not all of them are keepers, but some of them are. I always put them on my list of things to write, but that list never shrinks–it only grows. And that is largely my own fault. For months–no, years–I have put my writing aside. I came here and I needed a job immediately. That job didn’t pay me enough, so I had to find and create another one. I’ve spent all my time and energy on those things that I always felt guilty whenever I would even consider spending time on writing. The only time I didn’t feel guilty about it is when I was at my dayjob and had down time. But that’s not a place where I can get new words written, and even editing is hard because there are so many interruptions. But this is what I want to do with my life. I want to write the books I want to read and put them out there for the rest of the world to enjoy. I want to take photos and capture the beauty in the world. I want to play games and make people laugh.
So, it may not be the traditional new year, but this is a new chapter in my life. One where I take control of my own life and my destiny and make it into how I envision it. To do that I’m making the promise to myself to take my writing far more seriously than I have been. I will not back burner it any longer, and I’ll do my best to not feel guilty about taking a little bit of time each day to work on it so that I can reach another of my lifelong goals (to make my entire living from writing). Along with this I am also instituting for myself an 30 Day Journaling challenge in which I journal everyday for 30 days. I’ve tried to do this before, but failed at it. I think being accountable for it will help me with that. I hate letting people down.
Realizing this goal and admitting what I truly want out of life is what made me decide to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. I wasn’t going to because of all of the work I have to do with No Nostalgia Filter, but after deciding to actively chase after this dream of mine I couldn’t not do it. It seemed like the perfect way to get the ball rolling and kick off this next chapter with a bang. Unfortunately I lost today due to welcoming my boyfriend home from AUSA, cleaning up, and dealing with some NNF related decisions (I decided to step away from being lead of social marketing for awhile. A lot went into that decision–the time of day that we release our videos and the fact that I’m at work 99% of the time when they drop was a major factor, but also knowing that I want to focus more on my writing for a little while played into that), so tomorrow I’m going to have to play catch up. I’m hoping to get a few words written before I go to bed tonight, but I’m not holding myself to that as I can feel a headache starting to set in and I want to be able to hit the ground running tomorrow.