This post has been so long coming, and I’m sorry it’s so late. I like to try to make my posts about an event as soon as I can after that event, but to be honest I’ve been a little busy in the writing cave and doing a lot of thinking about Pride and how it effected me.
I’m not usually a parade person. I actually find them kind of boring. But every year I insist on going to the Pride parade. When my boyfriend asked me why, I had a slightly hard time answering him. It’s a sense of community, a loving and welcoming place. That was pretty much all I could tell him, but I got the sense that there was something else that I just hadn’t been able to articulate yet.
I’m a queer girl, and I’m in love with a guy. That can sometimes mess with my head. I’ve known since I was 16 that I was queer. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed, watching Britney Spears’ first video “…Baby One More Time”, and having the life changing realization “I like girls.” The moment I had that thought it was like the proverbial heavenly light shining down and illuminating everything and making pieces fall into place. Later that year I had my first girlfriend, and things kind fo spiraled from there.
I’m not sure I’ve ever discussed what I mean by “queer” in public before, so let me do so now. In reality, I’m more than likely a lesbian. I am attracted to so few guys that you could call the amount negligible. I am attracted to my boyfriend, obviously, but other than that? There aren’t really other guys. For that reason, I don’t feel right calling myself bisexual (though when I first “came out” to myself I used that label for a time). But lesbian, because I’m with a guy, isn’t exactly the right label either. So I settled on queer, and it works for me.
When we go out people automatically label me straight, because I’m with a guy so what else must I be right? Wrong. I don’t care what sexuality you are. Just because you are with someone of the opposite gender does not mean you fit one kind of mold and only that mold.
One thing I realized at Pride was that one reason I love going so much is because it is a self affirming place. Not just because I don’t have to worry about people scoffing or giving me derogatory looks/comments for being queer, but it’s also a way for me to celebrate my queerness despite being in the relationship I’m in.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my boyfriend very much and wouldn’t trade him for the world. I’m really lucky that he understands my sexuality and doesn’t judge me for it, and is in fact very accepting of it. He’s made my life better in a myriad of ways that I wouldn’t even be able to beging to articualte.
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sometimes mess with my own head to be so into girls and yet be in a relationship with a man. So to go to a Pride event where I can just celebrate the fact that I am attracted to girls, to be able to openly appreciate the female beauty without worrying about if I’m making someone uncomfortable or being judged…it’s just a very self affirming, loving place that I find I need every year. It’s a great way to celebrate who I am and to honor that core identity of myself.
Look out for Raven’s upcoming book, Seaborne, which is being released on August 18, 2016. And if you simply need more lesbian fiction before then, check out her free lesbian stories~!