I can identify the exact moment I stopped living. It wasn’t recent. It wasn’t even in the past decade. I don’t know exactly how old I was, but I know it was before I met my ex and we were together almost 11 years.
I was riding in my mom’s car when I realized that I 100% without any kind of doubt in my mind believed in reincarnation. [When I say reincarnation I mean that the soul doesn’t die when the body I’m currently living in does. It goes onto other lives. In what form it does this I still don’t know, and if you want to have that discussion we can do so. I’d happily welcome it as I love discussing stuff like that.] In that moment I felt like I had infinite time. And I stopped seeing a “deadline” so to speak. If my soul would always live, then whether or not I did something now or in three months didn’t matter…right? Teenage brain logic.
Skip ahead to now. Clearly that logic is very wrong. It isn’t really logic at all, actually. It was a teenager giving herself permission to continue procrastinating and, ultimately, not caring about much of anything. This was especially beneficial to me because I’d been bullied so much not just by my classmates but also by my dad and my late uncle. They’d tell me I was stupid, worthless, a piece of shit, would never amount to anything, etc. Hear it enough you start to believe it. If I would never amount to anything I didn’t have to care about trying to. I could put it off indefinitely. I didn’t have to confront the fear that they were right. I still had dreams, but because I had infinite time and I was worthless I could just put them off forever.
Obviously that this very wrong. But this has been part of my problem for years. Not feeling like there’s a finite deadline to anything. Because of it I lived in a shell, took my dear sweet molasses-fast time with everything, and ended up ruining my own life because of it. Not just my life. My ex’s, too. And in doing so I hurt a lot of people.
According to an article in Psychology Today “Because neurons that fire together wire together, creating behavioral grooves, all your ducking instead of doing has turned ducking into your thing. You have become predisposed to duck.” The solution is of course to just do the thing instead of ducking it. This is what I have to do. Rewire my brain to know that there is NOT infinite time for anything and GET MOVING basically.