Almost four months ago now my 11 year relationship came to an end. If you follow me on Facebook then you know why, and it’s not a thing I want to go into right now. It’s not what I’m here to write about. I want to write about the transformation that’s taken place.
I don’t really even know where to begin, to be honest. All I know is having that relationship and most of my friendships end along with it, having to move away from the only city I’d known here in New Jersey, being almost completely isolated and alone, losing my job in the midst of all of it…it put me in one of the darkest places of my life. I’d never felt like life was so pointless; I’d never been so much on the edge of not wanting to live; I’d never hated myself so much in that time. I struggled, deeply. Somedays I literally felt crazy, like a cartoon character who’s head spins around on their shoulders. It was, hands down, the worst time in my life.
And I’m not out of it yet. I’m just now starting to feel like I can move forward some. It’s only now that I feel up to doing…anything. I live in a house with some really awesome roommates. Luna continues to be the light of my life and my everything. I’m slowly learning to cook more than frozen pizza. I’m starting to feel the spark of wanting to write again. But it took four months to get here. Four months.
I learned a lot about myself in that time, mind you. I did a lot of introspection, looked back to see what it was that I did to contribute to the way things played out and what I need to change about myself. I’m far from perfect, but I’ve come to realize I’m not the total pile of garbage I believed myself to be for awhile. I made some really bad choices, but they don’t define me. They shaped me and who I am now, but I can and have learned from them and I know what to do differently going forward.
In these four months I’ve sort of rediscovered a part of myself that I had tried to suppress, though it wasn’t done consciously. I’m a total nerd, a geek, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I never was, but for a long time I put all of that aside and tried to focus exclusively on being a YA author. I read a lot of YA books and met–via social media–several other authors, and I’m happy to have done those things. But I sacrificed a bit of myself along the way. I didn’t read the Lord of the Rings series or Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy despite really wanting to because I was so worried about keeping up with the latest queer YA books. I didn’t play many games because I thought the time spent gaming should be spent writing or plotting my next story. I didn’t watch much anime because that time was better spent reading.
Reading some YA books is still a thing I enjoy. Holly Black‘s latest release, The Cruel Prince, is on my TBR list for example. But what got me through these past few months? Games, specifically Hearthstone and Earthbound. Anime, especially The Ancient Magus’ Bride; and books like Hitchhiker‘s and Death by Black Hole by Neil Degrasse Tyson.
I’ve come to realize just exactly what kinds of stories I enjoy, too. Like thoroughly love and easily get lost in. Anything with a space theme will immediately get me. That’s why I adore Star Wars so much, and why one of my favorite shows growing up was Space Cases. I love Fantasy–high Fantasy or not. I love dark stories, stories that make you think and call you out (think stories like the one in Undertale).
It’s these kinds of stories that I want to write, too. The newest Hearthstone expansion is called the Witchwood and ever since I heard the name I’ve had ideas churning in my head for a story. The next anime I’m going to watch is the one that won Anime of the Year last year, Made in Abyss, and it too has my mind churning with ideas.
I hate that it took the ending of my relationship to make me step back and really examine what I was doing with my life, why, and what I really wanted to be doing…but it did. You can’t get something from nothing, I guess (thanks, Ursula).
I bring all of this up because it’s bound to influence what I write both on this blog and in my stories going forward. In fact, I want it to. I wasn’t a truly happy person before. I was content, but I wasn’t paying attention to what really makes me happy. I still plan to blog about writing and Pagan things, but the occasional post about science, gaming, and general geekery may show up, too. I hope you’re ok with that. ❤
Thank you for reading this. It felt good to write and share it.
Until next time,